I don't normally blog about very personal or intimate things, but some things are so absurd, they simply must be shared. NOTE: This post is not for the easily embarrassed or offended.
Yesterday afternoon, I had an appointment right after work at the clinic to get my Depo-Provera™ injection. It had already been rescheduled twice, once from a broken sewer pipe incident, then again when the results of my bone density test were iffy. I knew that there was a possibility of a long wait in the waiting room, so I readied myself as best I could. I made sure I had my checkbook, put a small knitting project in my purse so I'd have something to do, and made sure I went to the bathroom, since we were going straight to there from work. You already see where this is going, don't you?
So there I am in the waiting room, knitting on my sock, and the nurse calls me back. I walk through the door to the back room, and she meets me with a Dixie™ cup. Wait a minute, a cup? I'm told that this is "just protocol" since I was overdue for my shot, and that I wouldn't be charged at all for the test. Great. Free pee. But I had, err, done everything there was to do before I left work! There was nothing left to give! No one told me about this!
Faking nonchalance, I accept the cup and proceed to the bathroom and "assumed the position". Great.
Me: Come on, come on, come on...Bladder: Whoa, wait a minute! Didn't we just do this? What do you think you're doing?!
Me: I just need a little for the sample. Don't let me down!Bladder: Urine sample?? Then why did you go before you left?!
Me: Because I had to go then! I didn't know I'd have to pee in a cup today!Bladder: Woman, I can't make something from nothing. I've got nothing to work with here!
I helplessly sat there, trying to figure out how to, erm, speed up the process. That's when I noticed the sink. Drinking some water might help, except there were no cups or glasses to use, and there was no way the one in my hand was going to serve double duty. I looked at the sink again, this time noticing that the faucet was one of those tall ones that raised above the sink, then curved downward. Hmm... Only one way to find out...
With pants still around my knees, I leaned over to the sink, turned the water on to the quietest trickle I could manage, and stuck my head under the faucet as best I could, and drank a little bit.
Me: (straightening back up) How about now?Bladder: Are you kidding? That's like watering your garden by spitting on it! Not enough.
I'm just a bit horrified by this point. Everyone was going to be wondering what the heck I was doing in there. I did the water trick again, this time turning on the water a little bit more.
Me: There. Happy now? Now come ON!Bladder: You know, if I tried real hard, I bet I could give you something, but you're not being very nice to me.
Me: OH, FOR THE LOVE OF... Ok, then Please!Bladder: That didn't sound very sincere...
Me: AAAARRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
That was it. I did the water trick one last time, turning on the faucet full blast and drinking until I needed to breathe again. I was rewarded with just enough for an acceptable sample. I dreaded coming out of the bathroom, facing people wondering why I was in there so long and how come the faucet kept turning on and off, but everyone else seemed oblivious. Either they didn't care, or were wrapped up in their own affairs. Whew!
I wonder if this ever happened to Erma Bombeck...
